As I've talked about, time and time again, I've spent a lot of time cultivating a healthier thought life for myself, which has rewarded me beyond my wildest dreams. So much so, I was a little cocky and a little complacent, thinking that I had a good handle on it. Not that I was going to quit the work, but that I could justify a break from the tools and routines I had in place to keep myself on track.
Ha, I'm sure you can all see clearly where this story is headed.... TRAIN WRECK!
My training since Vegas has been going really well. I took a couple weeks to just do my own thing, put my feet up and jump in on some classes, group training, whatever.
After a few weeks, I more-or-less jumped back into training and a couple cyclocross races.
I'm extremely thrilled to be working with a new coach, Cliff English, so it's been a new routine and really fun for me.
BUT, something was missing. If you don't know me, I will tell you that I L.O.V.E. to train. Everything about it, every time I get to do it. But I was feeling flat. I would procrastinate my training sessions until the last possible second and I felt uninspired. My motivation was trapped between really wanting to get going with this new program and feeling like I wanted to self-sabotage my workouts so that if I failed, it would be on my terms. Because I know those self-sabotaging feelings well, I know how to push through them, but it's exhausting, I didn't understand where they were coming from. After-all, I was coming off a great season and thrilled to be working with a new coach and filled with so much gratitude and optimism for the future.
A little over a week ago, I was listening to one of my fave podcasts (I listen to a LOT of podcasts) while running on one of my favorite local trails, on Impostor Syndrome. When I read the title, I wasn't even going to listen to it. My thought was it didn't apply to me and would my time be better spent listening to something "inspiring."
My instincts told me to listen anyway.
As I listened, I kept thinking, gees, I can't imagine feeling like an impostor. Feeling like I couldn't internalize my accomplishments and undeserving of my success. Dismissing success as a fluke, luck, timing or deceiving others into thinking I was more intelligent or competent than I really am...
Yeah, it's a good thing I have this DOWN!
Ha! It was a little over 20 minutes into the episode when it started to resonate with me, then about 5 minutes later, I was in tears....and tears...and more tears.
CRAP. I too felt like a poser.
UGH, how did this happen?!
I'll tell you. I worked so diligently on my thoughts on the front end of racing, leading up to and during a race, that I had neglected what I would tell myself afterwards. Afterwards I was a mess. I knew well enough to learn how to accept compliments and congratulations from people, but I was not internalizing that at all. I felt like it wasn't real. It felt like a fluke. I felt that any minute the carpet was going to be ripped from under me and they would see I'm nothing special. They would see I was just in the right place at the right time. I felt that not only did I not truly deserve success, I didn't deserve the praise and attention. It's even difficult to admit that because I don't want anyone to think I don't appreciate their love and support. Truthfully, I can't even begin to put into words how grateful I am.
Now that I've made these realizations, it's time to take action by acknowledging and accepting that I am good enough, stop holding my breath and celebrate all wins-big and small.
And work on these things every day.
Here is a link to the podcast.